


Breathe

by x_Ren_x



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Anime, BoyxBoy, Brother/Brother Incest, Finger Sucking, Hikakao, Incest, Internal Conflict, M/M, Sweat, Tears, Teenagers, Twincest, Yaoi, ouranhighschoolhostclub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 05:49:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13334778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_Ren_x/pseuds/x_Ren_x
Summary: " I’d love to say that I’ve never once thought about him in that way.I’d love to say that I can’t stand how he always finds a way to touch me.I’d love to say that I can’t stand him.I’d hate to say that I'm always waiting for his gaze to fall on my lips.I’d hate to admit how inappropriate the stares I give him sometimes are.I’d hate to hate him....But I’d also hate to love him. "It's just another cold, cold night. Could you stand bearing it alone?





	Breathe

I’d love to say that I’ve never once thought about him in that way.

I’d love to say that I can’t stand how he always finds a way to touch me.

I’d love to say that I can’t stand him.

 

I’d hate to say that I'm always waiting for his gaze to fall on my lips.

I’d hate to admit how inappropriate the stares I give him sometimes are.

I’d hate to hate him.

...But I’d also hate to love him.

 

I just don’t know what to do.

What to think.

 

I'm trapped.

 

Another cold night. Another cold, December night.

Snowflakes.

Your hot breath tickling the side of my neck.

We’re lying on a bed. **Our** bed.

We always talk about how much we want to have our own separate rooms, yet we can’t even manage to sleep in two different beds.

"First period tomorrow we got a test”, you whisper, “It’s better if we just go to sleep now”.

Your arms are loosely wrapped around my waist, a possessive gesture I’ve now gotten used to.

“You know I like reading before going to sleep,” I retort matter-of-factly, trying to free myself from your grip, “just go to sleep, Hikaru”.

You sigh, giving up.

For some nights now, you’ve been surprisingly compliant. And it makes me wonder about what's going on inside your head. What are you thinking about. Why the sudden change, Hikaru? You can't even tell me, your twin brother? 

...But I won't ask.

**I can't**. 

My side feels so cold now that your body heat is gone. And I don’t know why, but I feel like crying.

**I ignore it**.

“Goodnight” you whisper into your pillow, almost inaudible, and I decide to ignore your words too.

I’ll allow myself to lower my guard only when I’ll hear your breaths coming out at a steady rhythm.

 

Inhale.

_Three seconds_.

Exhale.

_Five seconds_.

 

It might seem crazy, maybe it really is.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I wake up. …And it’s unsurprisingly three in the morning. For a few months now, this has become part of my torture.

Just like always, I find you caressing my ribs, your hot (way too hot) fingertips brushing my sensitive skin, carefully tracing each protruding bone.

And even now I can’t bring myself to hate you.

I can hear your muffled sobbing and you are whispering something  with a husky voice, you probably need some water, but we both know that not even **that** would be capable of quenching **this** kind of thirst.

Your breaths aren't steady at all, and I automatically start counting in my head.

 

Inhale, hold it for three seconds.

_Dammit Hikaru, just fucking breathe_.

Exhale, wait five seconds.

 

Not even my counting can distract me from your smooth fingertips.

You get closer to my back, your chest collides with my shoulder blades, and you nuzzle your nose in the slightly damp hair close to my nape, inhaling deeply.

“Kaoru… Kaoru…” you chant like a prayer, a silent plea that holds the promise of something indecent.

And even now, I can’t bring myself to think that you’re disgusting. 

Your lithe fingers move southward, they manage to reach my hipbones. You grasp them fiercely, and a surprised gasp almost escapes my lips.

_Don't worry, Hikaru_ ,  _I’m not going anywhere_. _I won’t disappear_. _Because I don't want to_. _And I hate myself for it_.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… please forgive me…” your tear stained lips kiss the shell of my ear, and this time I can’t stop the small moan that escapes my unseemly mouth.

You completely **freeze**.

Time seems to have stopped.

Each second is painful.

A minute turns into an eternity.

I can now count sixty seconds with the painfully erratic thumps of your heart. Of **our** hearts.

And then… you breathe. It’s _slow_ , _unsure_ , but I’m now certain of the fact that you’re here with me.

You’re back with me.

We’re here together.

My back suddenly feels cold, extremely cold, as you shift away from me. You lay on your side of our bed, and even breathing the same air is now an impossible task.

I’m breathless. I’m weak. I’m sweating.

I’m **disgusting**.

It’s hard to breathe.

It might seem crazy, maybe it really is, ‘sick’ some might dare say, but I really can’t bring myself to care at this point.

I turn my body towards you… and I really don’t know the reason why, but I’m not surprised to find out you were already looking at me. Dishevelled, abstent, but at the same time so terrifyingly lucid.

 

I inhale sharply.

_Three seconds_.

**We** exhale.

_Four seconds_.

 

Carefully, hesitantly, I reach to you and I caress your tear stained cheek.

... And you don’t even flinch. It's like you saw it coming. Like you took for granted that this would happen, someday. ~~Like you wanted it to happen~~

Why, in this cold night, can’t I predict your every move? Why is it that tonight is so different?

Why is it that I feel my control slowly drifting away, why is it that i find you so beautiful, with those moonlit features of yours identical, yet completely different from mine?

You lean into my touch, closing your eyes, and this feels so intimate that it makes me want to run away.

 

But I decide to stay.

 

Stroking your cheek, so soft and dusted with this tender shade of pink, I trace the path that fallen tear of yours has left.

Your eyes, those amber eyes with that malicious glint, what are they hiding? What are you thinking?

**Why can’t I read you in the most important situations**?

I feel like I might be going crazy. I feel like... it just feels... I'm sorry, Hikaru, I'm afraid that i won't be able to be your twin tonight. Just for this night. Just this one, damned night.

I'm sorry that I've failed you. _I've failed myself_.

Your skinny hand makes its way through my hair. You gently scrape my scalp, and I relax under your touch, releasing a sigh I didn’t know I was holding.

I almost don’t notice the fact that our breaths are now coordinated, but of course I wouldn’t miss out on such an important detail: I wonder if our hearts are also beating to the same rhythm.

_Hikaru, do you feel this too_? _Does your chest feel so tight and hurts like mine does_? _Is this sense of guilt also in common_? _This uneasy feeling at the pit of the stomach_?

I don’t understand this. I probably won’t, ever.

But that look you’re giving me is way too tempting. Those tears that are now gathering at the side of your eyes are begging to be kissed away.

And so I do.

I lean to you and your eyes instantly flutter, your hand ceasing any kind of movement.

I kiss your eyelid. _One_. The tip of your nose. _Two_. I push away your bangs and kiss your forehead. _Three_. My lips leave a gentle peck on your small chin, and I feel you shuddering. _Four_.

**_Stop_**.  

It's when I let my lips kiss the corner of your pink mouth, that you sharply inhale and open your eyes wide.

_Are you afraid?_ , is what I’d like to ask, but nothing comes out.

It’s not necessary right now.

Because I’m sure you are. Because I’m sure I am.

Scared, but **curious**. Curious, but fucking **terrified**.

But this time you seem to know what you want.

You press your fingers on my lips, completely trusting whatever was going through my head in this exact moment. Something even I, the owner of this impure, sick thoughts, wouldn’t do. I don’t trust myself when I’m with you.

I press a soft, chaste kiss on your fingertips, and you shiver.

_What are you shivering for_? _Are you still scared_? I maintain eye contact as I start kissing each and every one of your five fingers, and you let out a shaky breath.

What are we doing? _What the hell is all of this_?

 

“Kaoru…” your pupils blown, too far gone.

_Disgusting_.

“Kao… _a-ahh_... Kaoru…” I drag your lower lip downwards, and you obediently let your mouth fall open.

_Absolutely sickening_.

“ _Nnh_ ,” you whimper. And suck my thumb into your sinful mouth. I watch your lips stretch and wrap around my finger, and I reluctantly feel my lower zone twitch with interest.  

“Kao…” your voice is so damn **alluring**.

_I should stop touching my twin this way_. _This is wrong_.

Your eyes are shining when you look up to me, my thumb still in your mouth as you pull back a little and kiss the tip.

Only now I realize how uncomfortably tight my pajama pants have gotten.

 

_**Calm down**_.

_**Stop this now**_.

**_Stop it while you can_**.

 

“I…” my voice is way too husky, I clear my throat and try again, “I need to go to the bathroom. You should try to get some sleep.”

I close my eyes shut and pull back from him, walking towards our bathroom, closing the door and locking myself in.

I feel like I’m going to throw up.

I didn't even have the courage to look at Hikaru’s expression.

_Why am I such a coward_?

_Why am I so **sick**_?

 

Why is it you, Hikaru? Why you, of all people?

I hate this.

I hate you.

But more than anything, I hate myself for feeling this way.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So... this is the first fan fiction that I post on here. I'm a nervous wreck right now.  
> I really, really hope that this made you feel something. And I hope I didn't make too many grammar/spelling mistakes. If I did, I apologize. English is not my first language!


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